EATING DISORDERS, NEW BIRTH, AND THE CROSS OF CHRIST

By Jon Hagen

 

“Counseling at Grace Harbor took the focus off of myself and my eating disorder and put the focus on Christ. From previous counseling and reading, I found that there wasn’t too much more that I needed to know about eating disorders that would help. The shift off me was hard because I had always been told by everyone to focus on myself and the disorder, but it wasn’t working, so something had to change.”

 

What follows is an interview conducted at Grace Harbor. The people being interviewed are a lady in her 20s named Andrea and an older friend named Gail who was invited into the counseling process early on as a support person for Andrea. The names and circumstances of this interview are real, and I’ve been granted permission from Andrea and Gail to make this interview available to the public.

 

My hope is that sharing this interview will not only give you a window into some of the work at Grace Harbor, but that it will also encourage you and others to think and live in ways that are more consistent with the life of Christ. From shepherds to wise men to everything in between, people from all walks of life come to Grace Harbor looking for help. Like the Star of David, I always point them in one direction. In order to guide people through life, Grace Harbor starts each day with a conclusion: “At the name of Jesus every knee should bow.” From the lowest station in life (represented by the shepherds) to the highest (represented by the magi), all are compelled to look on Christ as King. In counseling, we might say that the magi who visited Jesus at His birth also represent the height of human wisdom. Human wisdom, no doubt, can be helpful, but it lacks a comprehensive and consistent view of life and almost always points us back to ourselves as the source of knowing how to best handle things. As this interview demonstrates, in the face of Jesus and the wisdom of God all other wisdom is insufficient when it comes to substantive change.

 

GHCM: You first came to GHCM six months ago. How did you learn about GHCM, and what brought you?

 

Andrea: Gail told me about it—because her daughter came here and responded well. I thought I’d give it a try since I’ve been to so many other counselors. I needed something not secular but biblical. I was seeing another counselor, and things were not progressing. I had been on a treadmill for ten years. I was looking for help with family issues, eating disorders, stress, and life. My life looked really bad.

 

My life is not a fairy tale. From the time I was little, I was put in charge of taking care of my younger siblings. My dad was an alcoholic, and my Mom worked hard to provide for us. There was a time when I was kidnapped by my dad and taken by social services for awhile, but my Mom eventually got me back. Over the course of a few years, he ended up getting in trouble and went to jail for 8 years. That left me caring for my siblings when I was 12. I was in school and basically being a mom while my mom was working, so I never saw her. That was hard because it was during that time that I first attempted suicide. But I realized that I couldn’t do that because my brother was too important and he needed me in his life.

 

It was also when I was 12 that I, and I don’t know how to say this, but after deciding to not commit suicide I decided to not eat and kill myself slowly. That was better because I was still around for my brother, but I had to have a way to cope with my circumstances. And that’s when my struggle with eating began and I did this through anorexia. I wanted to shut down and not deal with anything. Not eating gave me control, and helped me to not feel anymore—to go numb. I wanted to go numb because everything else was too overwhelming and I had no support.

 

In high school I had the pressure of being the oldest and the first one in my family who would go to college. I was a total perfectionist, making straight a’s to make my resume great. I filled my time with school and babysitting and sports. I found that my time was consumed with making myself self-sufficient and taking responsibility for my life since nobody else would. Under that pressure I found that my eating disorder got worse. At this point I became more bulimic than anorexic. Here it was more bulimia because I just didn’t want to deal with the emotions but still feel better. At that point, I was forced to go into treatment for the bulimia and basically lost all control of anything I did.

 

The most important thing from this period of time that I learned is that you can’t force a person to change, but the person has to come to the decision themselves and realize why it’s important. My last year in high school I made a decision to see a Christian counselor without telling my mom. That experience helped me understand that it was important to have accountability in my life, that at some point I would have to deal with my past. So in transitioning to [college] I decided to continue to see a counselor, but my options were not great because I couldn’t afford it myself. I found during my first year at [college] that many women in the college environment have eating disorders, and I joined a support group. However, it wasn’t very helpful for me at the time, but instead it triggered the eating disorder more because it wasn’t really dealing with the cause. This included starving, over-exercising, and even cutting.

 

My sophomore year of college, I had a lot of big changes in my life including my dad getting out of jail. I had the support of a few of my professors at school in dealing with that situation; however, my natural instinct was to go back to anorexia to deal with it. During that same time I began dating a guy and had a serious relationship with him. I found that with the family emotional struggles on top of not understanding my feelings and the pressures of school and working that I really didn’t have time to take care of myself or for God. For about four months I totally relied on myself to fix the situation, so after a few too many hospital visits for side effects from not eating, I gradually withdrew from my classes to the point of fully withdrawing and going to treatment.

 

I stayed in treatment for two weeks, then my insurance ran out. We tried to do outpatient treatment, but it was never enough. It just stopped the behavior for a little while. When I went back to school in the fall, I found all the same pressures were there, and that I still couldn’t deal with them. So I ended up being very depressed and suicidal. I was forced to go to the hospital again, and withdrew from school until I could get things under control. This meant I had to go home to live with and face my parents. I spent the time at home and started to try to forgive my Dad, but realized that it was hard and that I couldn’t do it myself, so I gave up. I was able to return to school in the spring, and did very well by relying on my self-sufficiency to prove to everyone that I was okay.

 

GHCM: In one of our early sessions you said that you learned that starving yourself altered your brain chemistry, allowing you to become emotionally numb. You were scared of feeling again, and felt out of control when they began to surface. What were you afraid of?

 

Andrea: I was afraid of feeling because I thought the feelings would be too overwhelming and that it would be totally consuming and that I wouldn’t be able to handle them. I knew that I hadn’t felt anything for a long time, and there were a lot of really strong emotions against my parents and things that have happened in my life, and I wasn’t sure if it was okay to feel them because my parents never allowed me to have or express my emotions. They told me to just put on a good face and go to church. That left me afraid of emotions—of having them, of expressing them, of feeling them. I saw my parents do this all the time, so this was “normal”.

 

GHCM: When you first came here, you had already participated in counseling elsewhere and had read a lot of material on eating disorders. I imagine some of that was helpful, and some was not. How has Grace Harbor helped and supported your growth?

 

Andrea: It took the focus off of myself and the eating disorder and put the focus on Christ. From previous counseling and reading, I found that there wasn’t too much more that I needed to know about eating disorders that would help. The shift off me was hard because I had always been told by everyone to focus on myself and the disorder, but it wasn’t working, so something had to change.

 

GHCM: What have you learned here about the relationship between your personal struggles and the Gospel of Christ? What does the Gospel have to do with your day-to-day living?

 

Andrea: The most important thing that I’ve learned is that my eating disorder is a sin against God. That was the biggest thing that was missing from all my previous treatment and other counselors. I never thought that what I was doing was hurting God; I only thought I was hurting myself. Once I realized that I was hurting God by abusing my body, I was able to understand the Gospel and what Christ did for me on the cross. From there I learned to trust God more with my daily life, including my eating and I found that that was very helpful because it took the pressure off of me. And I found that in my weakness to make things better, that God’s grace came to meet me.

 

GHCM: Early on I asked you to consider having a third party involved in our meetings to give you more support between our meetings. You and I both knew of Gail at the church you’re attending. How has having Gail involved impacted our work together?

 

Andrea: It has been very helpful, not only as support but also as encouragement because she understands what I’m going through. It’s been really helpful to have her there to remind me to go back to the cross when I lose focus and can’t get back there myself. I’ve also learned how important it is to have accountability in my life. And what it means to have the support of the body of Christ. That’s been really important so that I don’t have to rely on myself to do things.

 

GHCM: At one point you hit a snag with Gail during our work. You were growing frustrated with Gail but didn’t know what to do. You and I spent most of one session alone talking about what to do. Can you share any thoughts about how the two of you worked that out?

 

Andrea: I think that communication was the key. I know that part of my struggle was that I never really had to communicate before on that level, and really wasn’t sure how to express my emotions

 

Gail: I think the one thing that I encouraged Andrea to do was, if she needed to call me on something that I did that she didn’t like, that it was okay. Before, she wasn’t comfortable doing that because she held her feelings in quite a bit. But after she realized I wasn’t going anywhere, then she began to open up. So many others had left her life or disappointed her, but I was sticking around even if it got messy. As you reminded us, the one thing that I did see lacking early on was Andrea’s lack of community, so we worked on finding community at church since I couldn’t always be there for her.

 

GHCM: What has your experience, Gail, been like as a “support person” through the counseling process?

 

Gail: As a friend to Andrea, coming here has been a help and tool to not be by myself in walking with Andrea. Because I had an eating disorder when I was a teen, I knew about Andrea’s struggle. The one thing that struck me was when Jon said our objective was not to defeat anorexia and exhaust Andreas’ past. By putting the focus on the cross, I learned I always had the tool or guideline to always go back to—rather than always going back and trying to explore her past and get on the treadmill of despair. Understanding the cross has made all the difference. Along with trusting God with Andrea, she began to trust also. Andrea was at a very needy point in her life when we first met, and to watch her grow in her understanding of her need for Christ rather than her need for another person or counselor or whatever, that was the biggest encouragement for me to watch. Before she was codependent—it was all about that instead of learning to go to Christ. I get excited about what God is doing in Andrea’s life, and how God is leading her. I know she is going to be used by God through this.

 

GHCM: In what other ways have you seen Andrea grow through our work together?

 

Gail: Her focus has become less self-centered in that she will talk more about what God did. I have seen more peace. Yes, there are still times of anxiety, but it’s not like every moment like it was. She’s been depending on looking to Christ. I’ve seen the forgiveness that she’s had to extend towards her father and mother, and it’s been there in her actions—she has more compassion toward her mother where before she could have cared less. With her mother having cancer now, because there was no relationship before, Andrea is now reaching out to foster that relationship.

 

GHCM: What have you learned in our work together? About yourself? About serving others? About your relationship with Christ? And what have been the challenges for you?

 

Gail: I have become more selfless and more compassionate. In my own life, the Gospel has become more real—on a trust level with Christ, I’ve surrendered more. I’ve become more reflective about trying to line up daily with the cross, realizing that I’m nothing but flesh and I can’t do anything on my own. I realize that more today than ever. In my relationship with Andrea, I’ve grown in my understanding in being a servant. If I can keep my focus on that, then we can move mountains. Boundaries have been the biggest challenge. Personality conflict and communication have been a challenge too. I ask myself, “Do I treat Andrea as a daughter, a friend, a mentor?” Establishing those boundaries was challenging. Communication has been the key. Andrea’s an adult now, and I don’t have to be her conscience. She needed to go really slow in making progress, but my personality is to ask, “Why do we have to go so slow?” But I had to realize I can’t push the Holy Spirit and tell him what to do; it’s in His time that the healing takes place.

 

GHCM: Do you have any summary thoughts?

 

Gail: I also want to say I’ve seen there is a distinct difference at GHCM in that the process involves going straight to the heart. From seeing many other types of counselors, this is cutting to the chase and not beating around the bush. We haven’t been sitting here talking for years. This isn’t about digging and digging about the past, but asking, “Where is our heart and how does our thinking line up with Christ?” I think that GHCM has such an effective way of helping others and encouraging them to grow. The spirit of GHCM is in tune with the Holy Spirit—Andrea’s been freaked out at times about certain Scriptures and applications that came from you when Andrea didn’t expect it but needed it at that time. She was like, how did he know? But it was about being open to the Holy Spirit and His leading.

 

*   *   *   *   *

 

The interview is over, but the story is not: a week after the interview, Andrea called to let me know that she’s taking a leave of absence from school to be able to care for her mother who’s battling cancer. But we are all encouraged by Andrea’s growth in and walk with Christ; she is giving evidence of the new birth in her heart, and what Christ begins He finishes.

 

In Christ there’s a life-giving wisdom that all other wisdom bows to, and it’s my goal to share this with others and help them apply the details of Christ and His Gospel to all of life. Out of the blessings that God has shared with you, would you be willing to partner with me and Grace Harbor to help people like Andrea find what the shepherds and wise men found in Jesus Christ? From a little to a lot, every gift will make a difference.

 

Gratefully yours,

Jon Hagen