From Grief to Glory: A Journey Upon the Death of a Child

By Jon Hagen, with Anthony and Sally Almodovar

 

“Children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Those are God’s words to us in Psalm 127, and the verse is easy to understand—especially if you’re a parent and know the joy of having a child. What’s not easy is when a child dies. The path from grief to glory is uneven, winding, and often hard to follow. That’s what happened to Anthony and Sally Almodovar this past June when their fifth child, Angelina, died just one month after being born.

 

Earlier this month, Anthony and Sally did many of us a great favor by humbly agreeing to a phone interview in which I asked them a number of unscripted questions about their situation and our work together. They share their thoughts here with the desire that your faith and hope in Christ be strengthened through what God is doing in their life and family.

 

You contacted Grace Harbor several months ago by email. How did that come about?

 

Anthony: We live in Minnesota. Since Angelina passed away at University of Minnesota, I knew of Bethlehem Baptist Church nearby. I called and asked if one of their pastors could help us, and David Michael, the pastor for families, responded. In the way he approached us, it was incredibly consoling yet very reassuring. At the time I was thinking I was going to have a difficult time leading my family through it and knew I would need some counseling. So we asked Pastor Michael about counseling, and he gave us your name. I was specifically looking to lead my family through the grieving process. I could sense my relationship with Sally was changing, and I knew I needed help to go through that.

 

Sally: David was such a wonderful, compassionate, caring person at a time when I had lost complete sight of Christ in Angelina dying. He helped me regain perspective in the midst of that. He was a gift from God during that time.

 

We believe that God is meaningfully using Angelina’s life today. Would you mind describing some of that work?

 

Anthony: There are so many things of her passing that have brought meaning to us. I remember specifically as I was watching the doctors trying to revive her, there was such a dilemma in my mind about asking God to please heal her, or if not, how should I submit to God’s taking her. When the doctors said they were not going to be able to revive her, God brought me to a deeper meaning of His sovereignty. I was not upset with Him, but there was something revealed to me about His sovereignty that brought reassurance to me. God provided that. At the funeral, in talking to other people about it, it made other people start to rethink about how they think about God—most of it in a good way. One person thought that Angelina’s healing would have been God’s best, but then that person had to rethink their theology when that didn’t happen. She thought the healing was going to be “it”, but then had to admit she still saw God even though Angelina wasn’t healed. People are watching: one of my bosses at work recently said to me upon finding out that Sally is now pregnant again, “I just want to say how amazing it is to me to see you live through all of this and still function.” I said to him that faith is not always the clean-cut package that it’s sometimes made out to be.

 

Sally: It’s really hard to see how God is going to use this in the future since we’re still in the thick of grieving and working through relationship problems. One thing God made very real to me was the value of all human life. Angelina was born with a genetic disorder, but that didn’t matter. I loved her as God’s creation and my daughter first of all. The life of any special needs child is valuable regardless of the value society would place on their quality of life.

 

It’s only been six months since Angelina’s death, and we know that parents don’t “get over” that kind of loss. For other parents who have experienced the death of a child, what would you say to them in their grief?

 

Anthony: I wouldn’t say anything. I would make every effort to make myself available to them and create an environment for them that would be safe and conducive because, when you’re grieving, you just want it to be intimate for that quality that you can’t get in a large group. In the midst of it, there’s a core time where the people you talk to, there needs to be safety and comfort. You allowed that for Sally when you gave her permission to express all her emotions. “I want to be here for you” is what I’d want to say. I would also highly recommend the book you suggested, From Grief to Glory, as something I would introduce at some point, but not immediately.

 

Sally: One thing that really helped me in one of our first sessions with you was when you said that emotions are indicators of what is going on in the heart. We need to find out the “what and why’s” of the emotions. I also had questions like, Is Angelina really in heaven? And, Is God enough? God is big enough to handle my questions, emotions, and even my doubt and has brought answers. Even the darkness and the pain is ordained to form us more into Christ, so these sessions have helped me to keep that perspective—that it’s really about Christ doing his work in me, and using pain and suffering to form that—even though it’s been really ugly at times. You just can’t do this alone—you need people to talk to to help you get through it.

 

The loss of a child brings not only grief, but it would also apply additional pressures to the surviving parents and family. How has that worked out in your marriage?

 

Sally: I think it caused us to default towards our natural dispositions, or intensified our tendencies and weaknesses, so it was really easy to misinterpret each other because we were in automatic mode and that lead to us hurting each other. And we’re still trying to sort through all of that. Because we’re both still hurting over Angelina’s death, it’s just so easy to take offense at something that otherwise might not be a big deal. Communication that worked before she was born didn’t work after, and so I think we’re learning how to really love each other properly.

 

Anthony: When this all started I remember having the thought, “I can now see how marriages can split up with such personal tragedies.” That always baffled me when I would see families split apart after a tragedy—it seems so contradictory. But Sally hit it on the head: the pressure we were under was bringing to the surface problems that were wedging us apart. I had never had any thought of leaving Sally, but I was beginning to see how people could leave. If it weren’t for Christ, I could see how the intensity of all that aftermath could create real problems.

 

As we’ve worked through some of that marital conflict, what Gospel truths and tools have you learned or been reminded of that have proven most helpful?

 

Anthony: The communication skills we have learned with you, and the anchoring method you brought out. We say now that we do what we do by anchoring ourselves in specific Scriptures and truths as we go through it. When you talked about emotions—and I’m not one for emotions—but yet I find myself having emotions too, and have learned I want my emotions recognized too. Learning how to respond to each other may seem very trivial, but it’s very important.

 

Sally: For me, what has really helped me persevere, is believing in the sovereignty of God—He knows and is not surprised by what is going on. The forgiving and repenting handouts you sent us, I’m almost wearing them out. Having a ministry goal in our relationship is something I’m trying to apply. The truth about the hard work of forgiveness and repentance is so important—forgiving doesn’t mean the pain goes away. It’s a process. Just understanding what to do with it so you can move forward and not be paralyzed by it has been really helpful. Identifying my own personal idols, to understand my own weaknesses, and being able to identify them when my disposition is going into idolatry. All of the handouts you’ve sent us have fit together to help us to learn how to respond like Christ Himself would respond.

 

We’ve also come to recognize that some of your pre-marriage past has impacted your current life. Rather than dismissing your past as water under the bridge or inflating it to be life-controlling, we have endeavored to apply God’s Word to past sin and pain to enable us to work through it. Could you describe how that has served you?

 

Anthony: This past Friday night we were trying to come together to talk about our last session with you. It landed in a mine field, and it went south really bad. And yet we regrouped, and Sally came back and we discussed what happened there. And I made this comment, “You know, we’re doing this communication thing so badly, but the one thing that is working is that we have a hope and that allows us to keep coming back to trying—because of the hope of the Gospel. As I read the book of Psalms, it’s not so clean cut. Here’s a man crying out, both about war and about despair and there’s such a range of things going on. People have this notion that life in Christianity is always supposed to be nice, but it’s not. What has really served us is remembering that Christ is the only One who has done this right, and He’s the One we’re trusting in our sanctifying process. He stays with us. It’s by His forbearing and determination that we continue.

 

Sally: There was a point during our sessions when I struggled with past sins that had reappeared in a very intense way that were almost crippling me. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was feeling the weight of it so intensely. I remember asking, “Do I need to forgive myself?” You said no, you turn to the forgiveness that was purchased for you on the Cross by Jesus. We talked about the picture in Zechariah 3 of Satan accusing Joshua of sin and yet God covers him in robes of white. Hearing that was almost like having the born again experience all over again! I need to be reminded about walking in the constant cleansing of Christ. The specific word pictures of different Scriptures, and how sins are atoned for has helped me keep my focus on Jesus. After that session, that really disabled the hold that those past experiences were having on me at that time.

 

We believe that living the Christian life is, in some respects, more challenging than living life without Christ since we’re actually fighting against sin and our corrupted flesh, whereas non-Christians are not engaged in that kind of internal struggle. As a result, just being a Christian doesn’t mean a mess-free life. On what basis do you have real hope to press forward in the face of ongoing struggle?

 

Anthony: All that this pressure has brought up, it’s easy to blame-shift and try to figure out whose wrong in what situation. But the Gospel brings up that I’m the problem. David says of God, “In your faithfulness you have afflicted me”. When I hear that Scripture, there’s an intimate tone to it—God is doing this to me, for reasons that make no sense to me—yet, it’s quite remarkable. The hope is there—I do have these sins, these idols in my heart and life, and I have a God who is showing them to me so that I can repent and get away from those things and really draw on Him for real satisfaction and hope. I’m seeing this whole mess, but God is seeing it too and doesn’t want to leave me there. He gets us through it.

 

Sally: Hebrews 12:1-2 was the text that the pastor used at Angelina’s funeral. I return to that when I’m really weary, and I’m tired of hurting. But Christ himself suffered, and I see the encouragement to look to Jesus—even though I feel bad. He endured the cross—it’s that message of endurance so that Christ can finish his work in me. Later in the chapter, it talks about discipline of God’s children, and there’s an element of discipline that God is using this in our life, of enduring the relational problems and the loss so that Christ can perform His work in me. That’s the real motivation for pressing forward. We can identify with Christ because He suffered this pain too.

 

Because of our physical distance from one another, all of our meetings have been over the phone. How has that worked for you?

 

Anthony: Because of where we live, there’s no help like this for an hour away. I would add that I do wish we were in an office, but it’s working out fine. Sitting at the kitchen table would be optimal, but given our situation I’m glad that we have what we have.

 

Sally: The Holy Spirit has compensated for the distance. Even though you couldn’t see us, you could discern the tension between us. Our sessions with you have just nailed it on the head, and provided what is needed for us to move forward. I haven’t seen the phone as a hindrance at all. We’re so limited in our resources because of living in a rural area and not much biblical counseling help. This has been a big help.

 

Though Grace Harbor provides professional care, we intentionally try not to make it clinical because the Gospel of Christ is not clinical. You’ve said more than once to me over our meetings that you’ve been surprised that we’ve actually formed a friendship during our conversations. How has that relational dynamic been helpful in our times together?

 

Anthony: The relational part of our meetings says, first, that you can probably ask me any question you want and I would answer it, and second, I know you’ve been criticized because of how long you go in your meetings, but for us that means we don’t have to go through the “warm up time” each session now because I feel safe with you because it is relational. I think the first session, the way you set the tone with the cross diagram, was really helpful because it was clear and told us where we were going. That was really helpful for me.

 

Sally: I agree with Anthony. That’s a good way to put it. You’ve given a lot of personal examples with your own family. It gives us an example of what this can look like.

 

Any summary thoughts?

 

Sally: I would want to point out that without these sessions our relationship would have been disastrous. I’m not sure we could have recovered without this intervention. I look at these sessions, even though we have a long way to go, as saving our marriage. Not that we would have gotten a divorce, but we would have continued hurting each other. I can’t imagine where we would be without them—it wouldn’t have been good.

 

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As you can imagine, with the loss of a child it is possible, through anger and bitterness, to also lose one’s God. In many and varied ways, crises of faith are played out each day at Grace Harbor. Your partnership, expressed through financial support, would be a significant help to us as we work to provide gracious, biblical care for those who are fighting to not lose hope in God. Every gift makes a difference; every life matters. Would you please consider helping us?