Confessions of an Imposter

By Rick Thomas

 

To paraphrase Braveheart, the perfect man is a Warrior/Poet. This is perfect masculinity. The warrior is bold as a lion, courageous, braced, protecting, secure, and undaunted by the journey of life. The poet, on the other hand, is compassionate, tender, loving, spontaneous, vulnerable, and adaptable.

 

This is the model of male authenticity. The only man, born of woman, who has this perfect balance, is Jesus of Nazareth. Therefore, he is the model for masculinity. He was fierce as a lion and as tender as a lamb. Conversion to Christ is the beginning of the growing process toward this kind of authenticity. Christ is the glorious expression of all God is; he is the image I am to imitate; he is the Life and the Light and that Light is the Light of men. He completes me.

 

These thoughts reveal my true self and, therefore, the heart of my struggle. You ask, "What do you struggle with?" Allow me to be vulnerable. I struggle with what you struggle with: acceptance, respect, significance, and meaning in life. I have been in search of these for most of my life. Then you ask, "Why is this an issue?"

 

At the risk of exposing myself for what I am, I will tell you. I want to be complete, consistent inside and out, and not living as a dualistic man. Don't you think this is not true for all of us? Aren't we all imposters to varying degrees? Isn't it true that our inner thoughts, doubts, and accusations are a bit different from the way we present ourselves to others? Don't we often live in some sort of surreal double world, oscillating between what we are and what we want to be? Don't we search for these things? I find that most people are in search for significance and typically resign themselves to a lesser life of false lovers that can never completely satisfy.

 

We heap many false lovers upon ourselves as we search for this missing piece. For example, pornography is the resigned imposter lurking in the shadows in an attempt to create a world he can control. It is his world, where he can control the knobs and make the ladies answer his most searching questions. He tells them what to say, and they say what he wants to hear. It is the perfect fantasy world. Marriage can be another attempt to find a false lover to answer our most riveting questions of life. This false lover comes in the form of someone who gives attention. They praise, exalt, and fill our cup. “She thinks I am somebody! I am a man and I have what it takes to be a man!” At this point, it is easy to begin thinking about significance and affirmation and commit to a long-term relationship only to find out, after the honeymoon, that marriage is not what you get out of it, but what you put into it. The fantasy world has collided with reality.

 

Work is one of our more common false lovers. We tend to gravitate toward our strengths and then praise God because we found our niche. Unguarded strength is a double weakness. By giving God the glory, we can justify the lusts we have lusted after. At the end of the day, our work fills the false-self but something still rings hollow.

 

Hopefully, at some point in our lives, we recognize we are disconnected from the person God desires us to be and thus disconnected from the source of life. Rather than choosing God, we selected false lovers or God-replacements. We create a false-self in place of what God wants us to be. We become imposters, something like a fish on the bank, alive, but extracted from its life-source. It is like being lost, dangling, flopping, and searching for an authentic reality of man made in the image of God. Or, as Jeremiah says, we carve out bowls that are broken and cannot hold water.

 

We have desires but few clues as to how to get to the Life-source. We dabble here and dabble there. We begin to cut paths in our mind. It is a trail blazed without a compass. In time, it becomes comfortable. We now have habits. Like the examples above, we create a world and have convinced ourselves that this is the real us. The path we carve is fraudulent however. It works but it doesn’t really work; because it is not authentic. We are not the people God intended us to be.

 

In God alone, we find authenticity. He alone is the answer to our most penetrating questions. He is the warrior/poet and we are made in His image. Therefore, when the heart of man is riveted to the heart of God there will be true rest for the soul.