One Family's Struggle

By Jon Hagen

 

What follows is a quick look-in on one family's current struggle. Having received this family's permission to share some of their story, I pass it along because we believe there's an unfolding in this report that reveals something of immense value to us all.

 

"In the midst of major problems with understanding our 16-year-old daughter, my wife and I realized we were in over our heads and called one of our pastors for help. He helped us defuse a serious situation that day. A few weeks later I was in his office asking for more advice. We were in a situation that had reached the point where our daughter was miserable and taking it out on us. I thought our daughter might agree to talk with a counselor, and our Pastor recommended Grace Harbor Ministries. I called Jon to set up an appointment for my daughter, and he said he wanted to see my wife, a leader from our church and me, not our daughter."

 

Now you might be asking, "Why not meet with the daughter? She's the problem, isn't she?" And I would answer, "No, the daughter's issues are the evidence that there are other problems going on, namely, marital and then parenting troubles." How did I know that? "In nine years I've simply never seen an exception to it. So while the daughter's struggles may be more urgent, the parents' issues are more important."

 

Another point worth observing is Grace Harbor's request that, if possible, counselees bring a church leader with them to each session. The rationale springs from our high view of the local church. God has designed the local church (not the counseling center) to care for and feed His people. By bringing a church leader with them, counselees have a built-in support and accountability dynamic that should last a lifetime. Set up this way, counselees are served and church leaders receive training by observing each session. In this family's case, an associate pastor came with them. He writes,

 

"Thank you for providing wise Biblical counsel to some of our families this past year. Your insights into getting down to the heart issues of family struggles vs. mere conformity to external behavior have produced life changing transformations among our people. Thank you for working with pastoral leadership and including us in your counseling sessions with our people. I am impressed with the Scriptural wisdom the Holy Spirit gives you to discern core problems, and the practical steps you prescribe to bring about Biblical change and [conflict] resolution. I consider you a valuable team member as we both seek to use our shepherding gifts."

 

What has this pastor witnessed? And what has this family experienced? They've witnessed and experienced the unfolding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This is the immense value I referred to a minute ago. But as it happens, the Good News can become old news. It's a story we've heard before, pushed aside by the latest news, so that it no longer seems relevant to daily life. After all, what's the Gospel got to do with marital and parenting problems? What's the Gospel got to do with anger or depression or addiction or suffering or codependency?

 

Well, the Gospel is both simple and profound; it is shorthand for all God is for us in Christ. From His incarnation to His resurrection, from His sinless life amid sinners to His mediating between God and man for all who trust in Him, the Gospel has everything to do with all that we are and will ever face. It's just that most haven't thought that much about it. Pastor and author Tim Keller writes,

 

"The main problem in the Christian life is that we have not thought out the deep implications of the gospel, we have not 'used' the gospel in and on all parts of our life. The key to continual spiritual renewal is the continual re-discovery of the gospel. A stage of renewal is always the discovery of a new implication or application of the gospel-seeing more of its truth."

What does this look like in real life? The wife and mother writes,

 

"The first time we came for counseling, I [learned] we had a 'child-centered' home and that we needed to have a 'cross-centered' home. My attitude toward my husband and his position in our home was wrong. We fought with [our daughter] and pleaded with her to listen to us. My relationship with my husband and the Lord had deteriorated while I was focused on my child's wrong [behavior]. After the first session, we saw progress. God began to pour His grace in our hearts."

 

Yet it came from a response to hearing the Gospel explained anew. The husband adds,

 

"We [are learning] to model Christ. To keep the Cross the center of our home. To seek forgiveness from God, each other, and our daughter. Our hearts needed to soften as we modeled Christ for our daughter, in order for her to see God work on us and [then] see the need for her own heart. She attended our most recent meeting at Grace Harbor and joined in our discussion, sharing how God opened her eyes and gave her wisdom to desire to end the relationship with the older guy."

 

That kind of change is sheer mercy. God didn't have to grant that kind of heart-response. (Notice the absence of fighting and pleading and enticing and cajoling the daughter?) So out of the kindness of God (Romans 2:4), by revealing the extent of the Gospel of His Son (Romans 1:16-17), and through the work of the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:2(, the transformation of the heart and life is possible (Romans 12:1-2). As fruit from growing in Christ, there's joy in this family.