The Parent Trap

By Jon Hagen

 

It’s not unusual for us to receive a request from parents asking us to counsel their children. Generally, the child is misbehaving in some way and the parent is looking for a way to “fix the problem.” Parents seeking help for their children is not new; what does seem to be new to many is the biblical way of helping children by working primarily with the parents.

 

Every time I’ve begun the counseling process with a child, there are problems that can be traced back to issues originating with the Dad and Mom. This shouldn’t be all that surprising since the pattern originates in and is seen throughout Scripture. At the same time, this isn’t about kids being able to shift blame onto their parents; it’s about the nature and substance of disciple-making in the context of parenting.

 

There are numbers of biblical examples of this, and one that recently got my attention was Aaron and his four sons. Aaron and his sons were chosen by God to serve before the Lord on behalf of Israel. It was an important task, and a public one. Though the Scripture doesn’t say so explicitly, it appears in Leviticus 10 that Aaron was more concerned about his public role as priest than his private role as parent.

 

Isn’t that just like many of us? Rather than taking the time necessary to draw out our child’s heart and instruct them in Gospel grace, we are hurried by a thousand other good things to do. And when we are tempted to desire for ourselves public reputation without the hard work of growing our personal character, it follows that we expect snap obedience from our children without making the time to disciple them. Aaron’s apparent lack of internal integrity didn’t evidence itself for quite some time; when it did, his two oldest sons were dead and the other two could have been.

 

It’s easy to miss tragedies in the making because it often takes years to develop while parents are blinded by their own ambitions. For those of us who are parents and who like to be stroked, take note: public affirmation (from anyone) often has a hidden hook—a subtle and exquisite pride that constructs a (thin) pubic reputation while skirting (deep) personal character. Since the default position of our sin-infected heart is to construct a functional “religion” based on works, we naturally tend to teach our children to just obey. What we’re communicating are ideas like, “Do this, and you’ll be ‘saved’ from our displeasure”. Consequently, the motive to obey is always off base (e.g., adult peer pressure projected onto the kids to conform to family or cultural norms via guilt, pride, or fear).

 

Some children rebel outright under that kind of motivation; others are simply nice enough, fearful enough, or naïve enough to conform. Some rebel for all to see, while others rebel quietly. But remember, it often takes years for underlying struggles to surface at the functional level. In the meantime, we’re proud, relieved and happy if our kids graduate from college, don’t get pregnant before they’re married, and stay free from any socially embarrassing addictions. Rebellion to a parent’s sinful motivation doesn’t have to be constant; as the attitude is slowly taking over, it will manifest itself sporadically till it eventually dominates a child’s entire outlook.

 

Motivating children through gratitude for the cross is a very different but far superior approach to disciple-making than getting kids to obey out of fear or guilt or pride. For example, leading our children to Christ requires that we first help them come to know the many ways they sin each day. (The varied manifestations of coveting are an easy place to start.) The cross-work of Christ is not good news and amazing grace to me and my children if we dismiss or minimize our offenses as nothing more than immaturity. The story of Christ will have no more impact on our children than Aesop’s fables if our lives are not constantly lived before the face of a holy God. When my children come to understand they’ve committed deicide, but that God has turned their eternal offense into the very means of their redemption, well then, that’s a story worth hearing more about.

 

At the same, if all I do is point out to them their sin, they will be quickly overwhelmed and sink into despair. While I do want them to feel the weight of their guiltiness, that’s not the point of emphasis and I don’t want to leave them there. Yes, I must be pointing out to them the scope and depth of their sin and sinfulness (I also let them know how I do the same things, and that Daddy, too, is guilty), but I must do something more. I need to teach and remind my children (and myself) daily of how to daily use the cross.

 

Consider, children, Psalm 34:22, “The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned” (ESV). Are we guilty, children, of coveting? Yes. Can we ever completely stop coveting? No. And because all coveting is also idolatry (Colossians 3:5), we’re in serious trouble with God. Is there any hope? Oh, YES! Let’s take refuge, children, in the only One who can protect us from the wrath of God. Let’s go to the cross of Christ where God poured out His wrath on His only Son so that I might be set free from bondage to sin and spared of condemnation from my guilt. Let’s learn to go to the cross throughout the day, because I’m guilty whether I feel like it or not. Let’s learn to apply the cross to my life by trusting that Jesus bears my guilt and takes it away as His blood covers my sin.

 

Going to the cross throughout the day requires a humble discipline. We are giving our children an eternal favor when we teach them the why’s and how’s of a cross-centered life. The effect on our children’s hearts of being taught how to practice a passage like Psalm 34:22 is Psalm 34:1-3, “I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together!”

 

As we faithfully and joyfully and humbly teach our children “the old, old story of Jesus and His glory”, it should be the most appealing story they’ve ever heard. As the gospel captivates my time and attention, I’ll be compelled to invest it in my children. And as the Spirit of Christ opens our children’s hearts to the greatest of all possible news, they will surely respond in the same way we do when we believe the Gospel.