Taking Charge of Sex Ed for Your Children (Part 2):

Like last month, I’m republishing this piece from 2019. Partly because I have a list of newer subscribers since then but mostly because I regularly have adult clients who, as part of their history, were sexually abused in childhood. I wonder how much of that pain could have been spared had their parents taken on the responsibility of sex educating their child. This, then, is my shout from the rooftop to parents of young children: please, for your child’s sake and their faith in Jesus, take up the moral education of your progeny.

 

------------------------------------

 

The school year has just begun. The teacher isn’t in the room yet, so the girls are huddled in groups near the front and the boys are hanging out in the back. Haley hears her phone buzz. It’s a text. Since there’s time and she’s curious, Haley decides to look.

 

As a parent, have you prepared her for this? Because when she sees the text, it’s going to be from Liam. And he’s going to ask her for a nude of herself. If you think that’s bizarre, consider this:

 

“A small 2018 study found that two-thirds of teenage girls say that they have been asked to send nude photos of themselves to boys. The study does not say it, but common sense would suggest, that the more time boys and girls spend on social media, interacting with their friends and strangers, the more such requests will seem normal. By contrast, very few people walk up to teenage girls in person and ask them to take off their clothes. Indeed, when women who grew up before the age of social media find out about this culture of sending ‘noodz,’ they can’t understand why girls don’t simply laugh at these boys or tell them where they can stick their cell phones. The more time you spend on screens, the more that real life starts to seem distorted.”

 

Sadly, and frustratingly, the statistics are even worse if your family is a minority. (You can see the fuller report here.)

 

Why would someone like Haley allow—or even want—that kind of request to tempt her into complying? Another researcher presents some options:

 

“In her analysis of the responses, [University of Arizona researcher Morgan] Johnstonbaugh found that the odds were four times higher for women than men to say that they sent sexually explicit images of themselves in order to prevent the recipient from losing interest or to prevent the recipient from looking at images of others. Women were [also] twice as likely as men to say they sent such images to boost their confidence.”

The confluence of all these pressures is, as we say, complicated. (You can see Johnstonbaugh’s short report here.)

Let me suggest that, when taking on the responsibility of sex ed for your children, you take a two-pronged approach: teaching about threats from without (e.g., the world, the culture, fallen human nature, spiritual warfare) and teaching about threats from within (e.g., insecurity, jealousy, pride, shame, our own brokenness). Because these threats are intertwined and the forces to comply so unrelenting, having “The Talk” as a one-time sex ed event is not going to cut it.

It’s possible at this point to despair or become overwhelmed with all the ground we must cover with our children. But consider the basic categories I detailed in the previous paragraph. If we’re coming at sex education from a Christian orientation, we’re already miles ahead of the world around us who’s norms are constantly changing and who has little if any developed conscience about sex and sexuality.

Take to heart Hebrews 5:14, “But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” Then be asking yourself, what can I be doing to be regularly training this particular child to discern between good and evil?

Imperfect as we were in parenting (no parent does this without regrets), here are some of the things my wife and I did in the sex ed department when our kids were growing up:

• Talk about sex regularly to normalize the topic (it’s not weird, gross, or dirty), while at the same time referring to sex as a beautiful and powerful gift from God to be stewarded with grace and truth. As Christ-followers, our role is to reclaim and redeem all that is marred, twisted, and broken in this world—including sex.
• Discuss social media, its implications for today, future relationships and employment applications. Digital history doesn’t go away. Explain restrictions. We did not let our sons have social media accounts until late high school, and by then one son was not interested and the other son thanked us after seeing all the grief the kids around him were enduring. (Here is some research, with further ideas, to substantiate this approach.)
• To help your kids stand against the tide of peer and social pressure to create an amazing identity, they’ll need ongoing conversations about who they are in Christ—that their true and more substantial identity comes from being God’s child and a part of His family. There’s no need to play the fool and shame yourself in an attempt to signal to others that you are somebody.
• Have your kids sit with you occasionally at the computer and watch lyric versions on YouTube of the songs your kids want to download. Don’t lecture; ask questions. Ask the kids if they know what certain words and phrases mean. Have  conversations where they can practice exercising discernment between good and evil.
• Read previews of movies your kids want to watch and have them read it as well. Then talk about it in the same way I suggested in my comments about music.  
• Hug and hold your kids to incarnate the love of Christ. Tell them regularly how much you love them for who they are. Remind them God in Christ loves them even more. Point your child regularly to the cross of Christ as their unchanging source of security. Then pray with and for them that each member in the family, including you, will increasingly grow in understanding and valuing these truths.  
• Study your children to be able to point out the internal traits and giftedness of each child. Separate this from things that are performance related. Their inherent dignity, value and worth come from being made in God’s image.
• Be careful to not use negative examples in the world around you to point out how stupid others are and how smart you are. You’ll either end up with a child as self-righteous as you are, or they’ll abandon the legit things you’re saying because they can’t stomach the prideful attitude that surrounds the truth you’re trying to convey.  

 

Because your child’s sexual health, sanity, and sanctity are your God-given responsibility.