The Deviation Spiral (Part 3)

One day last week, Tamarah and I set out on a morning walk. We were not more than three blocks from leaving our house when Tamarah asked me if I cared if she mowed the grass later that day. She said it was dual-purpose: mow the grass while also bagging the newly fallen leaves. I had, just the week before, put down on the lawn a winter feed fertilizer. In light of that, my response to Tamarah was to say something like, “I do not want the grass cut, but I will adjust the mower height so you can use it to pick up the leaves.”

 

She responded with something like, “But why can’t I mow the grass, too? It’s barely grown, so going over it with the mower at the usual height will not hurt the grass.” I said, “It hasn’t rained in forever, and I want to give the grass a break and a chance to absorb the fertilizer I put down.” I can’t one-hundred percent say that’s how grass fertilizer works, but that’s the rationale I’m sticking with. We went back and forth like that for a while, then a period of silent walking, and then we changed the topic.

 

Walking on, I said something like, “Back to the grass. I try to honor your requests when you ask something of me, like step out of the way when a car is coming toward us on our walk. And then on those times when I don’t, you get upset with me. Now I’m asking something of you—I’ll change the mower height setting so you can pick up the leaves, but please do not mow the grass.”

 

Silence.

 

A few blocks later, Tamarah willingly offered, “I’m sorry. I won’t mow the grass.” And I kindly said, “Thank you.”

 

For the point I want to make, some readers of this are going to think my example is lame compared to what they have going on. True enough. But my story here is just the most recent example of a thirty-four-year marriage in which Tamarah and I have learned to manage the inevitable battles, big and small, that every couple faces. The larger point I hope to make is, what is the Christian way of managing the deviation spiral in marriage?

 

Considering what I wrote in my October newsletter—that Adam is oriented to his work and Eve is oriented to her home, and that man (‘ish) and woman (‘ishshah) are oriented to each other, I now want to add a third and final category—also from the early chapters of Genesis—that further inform the marital deviation spiral.

 

The third category to factor in has to do with roles within the marriage union. To be clear, roles are different than worth and value. Both the man and the woman are created in God’s image, equally, and Peter says to husbands that wives are to be treated as, “a fellow heir of the grace of life.” For husbands to treat wives as less than that is to incur a severe penalty on himself (1 Pt. 3:7). Think, then, of Christian marriage as a coin. Whether we’re looking at his side or her side of the coin, the value is the same. But God in Scripture also uses terms that distinguishes and differentiates the two sides by giving them roles to fulfill.  

 

When these marital roles are functioning in synchronicity (not friction-free!), it creates a beautiful, effective, and fruitful union. However, when these roles become corrupted—and they can do so in at least two different ways—the result is painful, ugly, and sometimes horrific. Let’s begin with the husband, since that’s where Scripture begins.

 

In the creation accounts of Genesis 1 and 2, the sequence of the man being created first is of significance. Paul is open about this (1 Cor. 11:8-9; 1 Tim. 2:13). One thing this means is that the man is imbued with authority—he is given the responsibility to garden the garden, and his wife stands at the apex of all he’s responsible for. Man is to bring and maintain order, to oversee his world, and to cultivate his garden in such a way that all that’s under him flourishes.

 

But a married man can go bad in his role at any time by either under- or over-identifying with his role. If he under-identifies with his authority, the husband can shirk or shrink back from his responsibilities. He will garden the domains that come naturally to him but will run from those domains that are too painful or require sustained energy. His wife, and if there are any children, suffer from varying degrees of neglect. This man is often shot through with fear.

 

If the married man over-identifies with his role, the husband can tend to operate autonomously as if he doesn’t have to give an account to the Master Gardener. He makes unilateral decisions that those in his house must accept without question. The wife will suffer a severe penalty if she’s interpreted by him as disrespectful. His wife, and if there are any children, suffer from varying kinds and degrees of abuse. This man is often shot through with anger.  

 

As for the wife’s role, the word God uses in describing her is ‘ezer, which is often translated as “helper.” Much has been written about this word, with most noting that the word is often used to describe God. It is obvious that the word itself implies that people—and in the case of marriage, husbands—are not self-sufficient. Dig deeper and we learn something more profound in defining the wife’s role in marriage.

 

Every time the word ‘ezer is used in the Old Testament, it is used to describe a military or political ally. For example, the traveler of Psalm 121 begins his journey by contemplating the dangers that lie before him, and asks, “Where does my help come from?” His reply is, “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

 

I will again credit Peter Leithart (as I did in Part 2 of this series) when he more specifically defines ‘ezer as “battle-mate.” In his little book, The Glory of Man, Leithart says much more than what I can only summarize here when he writes, “Adam’s ‘ezer will be similar, but across the table, face-to-face. Her power will be complementary—just as powerful, but a different power. The battle-mate’s power is a necessary power, for Adam cannot be ‘good’ or whole without her. We know there there’s a hierarchy in marriage; the husband is the head, and the wife submits to the husband as to Christ (Eph. 5:22-33). But she submits as a queen to a king” (pp. 65, 66).

 

If the married woman under-identifies with her role, she too quickly acquiesces to avoid conflict and asks forgiveness too quickly for the same reason. She loses her individuality for the sake of either the marital union or for peace. But it’s a false peace. Her husband might feel served but he doesn’t respect her. This woman is often shot through with fear.

 

If the married woman over-identifies with her role, her lost sense of accountability to the True Helper will cause her battle-mate approach to emasculate her husband. She can become fierce, and while she cannot subdue her husband physically, she will put him down with the intensity of her words and emotions. This woman is often shot through with anger.  

 

Finally, if you take the under- or over-identified husband in his authority, and you take the under- or over-identified wife as a battle-mate, and mash that all together, we will find different kinds of marriages based on those combinations of couples. And it’s each couple’s life-task to master their tendencies by God’s grace and with the Spirit’s help so that what would naturally become a jungle instead supernaturally becomes a garden.  

 

Back to the grass. In the early years of my marriage, I would under-identify with my authority and Tamarah would over-identify with being the battle-mate. I still don’t like conflict and Tamarah still wrestles with following my lead at points, but this past week’s argument showed what growth can look like when both husband and wife are finding their worth, identity, purpose, and roles in Christ. It’s then that we live together as true partners and not as competitors.

 

Because even though Tamarah asked me again two days ago if she could mow the grass, I said not until after the next rain falls.