A Total Eclipse of the Heart

Let’s say Clyde is a car guy. He notices them and sometimes studies them. And let’s say Clyde is  now in the market for one to replace his El Camino that finally died. Clyde’s wife, Bonnie, knows and agrees they need to replace that classic 1970s car, but other than the replacement being reliable and safe Bonnie doesn’t care much for the details.

Clyde interprets Bonnie’s dispassionate approach as permission to go searching for his dream. When Clyde had the El Camino, he was okay with it but always aspired to having a bigger box on the backside. That meant having a big boy truck and now is his chance. He commences his search, consciously careful to not share his full thoughts with Bonnie. At least not yet.

Clyde is calm. Clyde’s cool. You would never know by his outward demeanor just how excited and eager Clyde is that his wish will soon be fulfilled. In fact, even Clyde is not aware of what’s happening to him internally. All he realizes is what he’s feeling. The fun. The rush. The anticipation! But now it’s time: Clyde needs to share his full dream with Bonnie.

Dinner is over and Clyde’s keeping an eye on Bonnie in an attempt to read her mood. He needs her to be in a good space. Bonnie eventually jokes about something innocuous and Clyde takes that as a green light. Clyde carefully lays out his arguments as convincingly as a criminal defense attorney. All he’s asking is for Bonnie to agree.

Except Bonnie doesn’t agree. She’s taken aback by Clyde’s willingness to blow the bank. They have a budget. They’ve both agreed to the budget. Yet here is Clyde, willfully it seems, forgetting all of that.  

As Bonnie is responding with her thoughts, Clyde can feel himself clinching and his blood thinning. He’s loading his mental Tommy gun with arguments to fire back at Bonnie. No sooner than he thinks Bonnie is done, Clyde unloads on her. Despite years of a mostly happy marriage, Clyde’s acting in the moment like he’s willing to throw it all away over a truck.

In fact, Clyde’s temporarily lost his mind—no self-awareness, no impulse control, no larger perspective. How did that happen? Would it be possible to trace a discernable progression of thinking in which a person moved from a fairly innocent desire into a blood-bath rage against someone he or she truly loved? What would that processing look like and could it be interrupted short of a shootout?  

I’ve lost track of time, but around twenty years ago I travelled to Philadelphia to take in more counseling training. Others like me gathered to learn from Paul Tripp who, at the time, was teaching at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF). From his curriculum, Instruments of Change, came the following diagnostic tool which I have taken liberties of amending to suit my own way of thinking.

Paul begins by asking the question, “How do the normal desires of daily living take control of the heart?” He then spells out a six-step progression that we can all benefit from as a tool to use, not just for growing self-awareness but ultimately for maturing in Christ as we learn to depend on him and also relationally as we take pressure off those around us. Take note of the subtle progression not only downward but also outward (as the heart corrupts, it corrupts others):

1. Desire: Expressed internally as, “I want.” There’s nothing wrong here. We could say Clyde’s looking at trucks is in a neutral state. At this level Clyde could take it or leave it as his heart is not set on anything in particular. Desire as such is properly held in the heart with an open hand. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.  

1. Need: Expressed internally as “I will.” This is where the subtle corruption begins. Clyde is no longer kicking tires; he’s now zeroed in on one truck that’s caught his eye and he keeps coming back to it in his mind. Clyde’s hand begins to close around the desire and he’s holding onto it more tightly than he realizes. Something that was once just a desire is now seen as essential.

1. Demand: Expressed internally as, “I must.” Through a series of internal arguments and justifications, Clyde has convinced himself that he cannot live without the truck. He hasn’t paid for it, but in Clyde’s mind he owns it. No one ever says it that clearly because, at this degree of intensity, there’s a total eclipse of Clyde’s heart. No light can get through as the “need” is controlling Clyde and beginning to leak out around the edges toward others. Bonnie can tell something’s up, but she really has no idea.

1. Expectation: Expressed externally as, “You should.” This is where Clyde is being candid with Bonnie, and Bonnie may attempt to regulate Clyde. Clyde’s thinking and maybe saying, “I really, really want this truck. It’s always been a dream of mine and you know that. It seems right to expect that you will meet my need if you really love me. If you don’t agree to my dream, then you really don’t love me.” Bonnie tells Clyde he’s over-interpreting the situation and can’t accept Clyde accusing her of not loving him. She’s simply trying to shoot a little light into Clyde’s heart, but that doesn’t feel like love.

1. Disappointment: Expressed externally as, “I can’t believe you didn’t.” Clyde’s upset and shows it. He’s also obsessed and likely doesn’t know it. Bonnie is standing in the way of what Clyde needs, so he’s going to make her pay for her non-compliance.

1. Punishment: Expressed externally as, “Because you didn’t, I will . . .” Clyde opens up his semi-automatic mouth and responds in anger. His anger could come out in a passive form, like silent treatment, or an active form, like hurtful words and acts of violence.

A few brief observations about this framework: 1) This story could just as well be reversed with Clyde being the one who, in all good conscience, could not go along with Bonnie’s spending outside the agreed-upon budget. 2) There is an inflection point at each step in the framework. With God’s grace and the Spirit’s enabling, Clyde could choose to take a step back into life and avoid the path that leads to death. 3) The presence of sin we carry around inside our heart is always looking, like a parasite, to attach to good things in life and corrupt them. Each step down in the framework is another step into slavery to our own desires.

Praise God that in Christ we’ve been set free from slavery to sin. Each day we ground our life to Christ, the more we can say no when we need to since we have our greater yes in Jesus.

Because, as St. Augustine confessed, “For you, Lord, have formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in Christ.”