Conflict Resolution (Part 2)

[Note: what follows is a continuation of the conversation from last month’s edition]

 

Tamarah said, “And now I need to ask you to forgive me.” For context, here’s some backstory to her question.

 

Over the years, when my wife and I are out and about and bump into someone, or let’s say we’re having dinner with some friends, we invariably end up sharing stories. The stories we tell are true, but obviously from our individual perspective and interpretation.

 

Here’s the incident around which Tamarah is asking for my forgiveness. She and I were out on our morning walk. We crossed paths with a lady we hadn’t seen in years. The lady is younger than us and has kids who are now in high school. As we were catching up, the lady wanted to know how our sons made the move from high school to college.

 

I said, “Our sons went to Greenville Tech Charter High School. One of the great things about that school is that not only could they take dual credit classes, but the school also offered a ‘13th year free’ for their high school graduates--meaning their first year at the college had no tuition.”

 

Tamarah quickly replied, “Well really that 13th year was just the Life Scholarship.” Tamarah’s point, technically, was accurate. But I was ticked. I’ve asked her before, “If the details of the story I’m telling are inconsequential, then please-please-PLEASE don’t make an editorial comment. It feels disrespectful. And why do that?”

 

Charge with me wounded pride or being shame-sensitive. Probably so. Yet Tamarah gets it, and has made a real and noticeable effort over the years to not make these knit-picky statements. However, like everyone, including me, patterns are hard to completely eliminate and sometimes The Thing resurfaces.  

 

Breaking it down further, my wife’s a truth-teller and I’m a grace-giver. She has an impulse to get the facts straight and I’m inclined to look over nickel-dime stuff. I’m like, just go with it and don’t ruin the moment. She’s like, maybe the other person would benefit from more details. Sigh.  

 

After rehearsing the incident and committing to not doing it again, Tamarah asked, “So will you forgive me?” “Sure Baby, yes, I forgive you,” I replied.  

 

What’s my point? I’m wanting to give a flesh-and blood example of Biblical conflict resolution because a common occurrence in my work with couples is where one spouse is attempting the Confess-Repent-Forgive cycle of conflict resolution but the other spouse isn’t. Conversely, one sign of a healthy relationship is that they do conflict resolution as a two-way street. Not as score-keeping and not always, or even often, at the same time as the other. But both are regularly owning their share since the shoe always fits the others’ foot. As Christian Scripture teaches, both are offender and offended in some way.

 

Here are several scenarios, in their most basic form, of what a resolution imbalance looks like. I know these scenarios are far more complicated than I have space to account for. Here’s a preliminary sketch:

 

In one scenario, let’s say the husband is a rule-keeper and good at it, while the wife is a people-pleaser who tends to over-interpret people’s reactions to her. The wife in this situation will often try to work the conflict resolution process along due to her pleaser sensitivities, but he’s  not owning much since he doesn’t see where he’s done anything that needs confessing.

 

Quick feedback: In his self-righteousness, the husband either needs to see how he’s cherry-picking standards he can keep and/or make Jesus the standard rather than his peers. He can then better own his share when he’s adequately humbled. In her neediness, the wife would benefit from better valuing and internalizing God’s love for her in Christ. Her heart will relax, she will be open to challenging her own interpretations, and not use conflict resolution to superficially soothe her anxiety that something’s not right in a relationship.

 

In another scenario, let’s say the husband’s had an affair while his wife has remained faithful. If the husband feels remorse and is convicted, he will try to work the conflict resolution cycle along. But if the wife cannot imagine herself capable of ever doing such a thing, or if she’s afraid that he’ll over-interpret her forgiveness as meaning everything’s alright, then the resolution stops where she stops.

 

Quick feedback: In his brokenness, the husband needs encouragement to persevere in resolution. He needs to be careful that he doesn’t grow resentful and even bitter that his spouse isn’t responding to his attempts to heal and be restored. In her fear, the wife might need help distinguishing between forgiveness and trust. She will also need courage to take the risk of extending forgiveness knowing she might get hurt again.

 

A third scenario might be that one spouse is a bully (in my office, it could be either the husband or the wife), gas-lighter, or a grandiose narcissist, while the other spouse is fearful and acquiescing all the time to the bully. The fearful spouse will make resolution attempts, sometimes to de-escalate the situation and other times just to survive.  

 

Quick feedback: In his/her immaturity or unbelief or mental illness, the offender needs a life-changing encounter with Jesus and/or intervention for how he/she is processing life. In his/her fear, the other needs to know there are limits to engaging those with high degrees of foolishness. Boundaries need to be set, even if that means leaving the relationship for a season.

 

I acknowledge these scenarios require much more feedback and nuance than I’m giving here. For now, my hope is that these initial suggestions would provide direction for people in these kinds of relationships. Conflict resolution is beautiful, powerful, and life-giving when two people work at it. May it be true for you.

 

Because God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God (Mt. 5:9).