The Aspirational Marriage

When he was three years old, Pravin’s parents moved to the States in pursuit of a better life. They largely succeeded by working their way up in the hospitality industry. What they didn’t expect were Christian neighbors who, through their own hospitality and witness, led the parents into saving faith in Jesus. Pravin was twelve years old when his parents converted, and their life-change was real and lasting. By the time he was a late teenager, Pravin, too, committed to following Christ. 

Pravin was a bright and precocious teenager. He was more verbal than others, had a hard time sitting still, and was often bored in school. Despite all that, Pravin went on to earn a graduate degree in biomedical engineering. Now in his 40s, Pravin looks back with great respect for his parent’s industriousness, ingenuity, and vision. Following in his parent’s willingness to take risks, Pravin started a medical research business that now employs twenty-three people. The long-term strategy is for a larger firm to buy Pravin’s business in the next twelve to fifteen years.

Katherine met Pravin while she was working on her nurse practitioner degree. They’ve now been married some twenty years. Whereas Pravin’s parents had ambitions for their son and told him he could do anything, Katherine’s Christian father was obsessed with appearances. Which came out as regular criticisms of Katherine. No matter how hard she tried, regardless of her academic accolades and athletic awards, Katherine’s father always had a critique. Guilt and shame were ever-present for Katherine as that voice in her head kept saying, “You can do better” even though her classmates voted her to be class president. Katherine is a Christ-follower who’s also driven and high-achieving. Despite exuding confidence, Katherine is insecure and sensitized to any comments connected to her appearance and performance.

This fictional marriage is comprised of two people who both have Leader traits. If you recall the Quadrant concept I’ve described in my last three posts (men on the horizontal X-axis, and those with Leader traits to the right of midpoint; women on the vertical Y-axis, and those with Leader traits below the midpoint) then you can see that Pravin and Katherine’s marriage sits in the bottom-right quadrant. They are in what I refer to as an Aspirational marriage. I will also call this a Power Couple.

When the Aspirational couple is spiritually healthy and both are maturing in their relationship with Jesus (represented by the midpoint on the spectrum), the energy this couple generates is life-giving to many. They are big-hearted and are agents of change; their impact can be positively significant. They are passionate about what they are into and have a high degree of resiliency. Whether that’s running a company, managing a family, leading a volunteer group, organizing a school event, or overseeing the care of a neighbor who’s an elderly childless widow, this couple can and will do all of it.

However, the Aspirational couple can be tempted to over-commit. The effect over time is that by over-extending themselves, they lose the margins on their lives for the disciplines that keep them spiritually healthy. At a low level, the drift from center can show up in their tendency to interrupt each other. Or to be reactive. Or to escalate. Since this is the only one of the four quadrants that does not have a Helper person in it (i.e., a person who quickly defers or acquiesces), the Power couple locks horns and inflicts wounds on each other.

Let’s go back to Pravin and Katherine as a case study. Katherine gets confused because, while Pravin is naturally animated to begin with, his pace accelerates and his volume increases both when he’s excited about something but also when he’s upset or frustrated about something. Due to Katherine’s conditioning from her father’s judgments, she now mostly takes her husband’s communication style as also judgmental.

For his part, Pravin grows frustrated because, while Katherine can get all passionate and engaged about something, she then, for reasons he fails to understand, stops communicating and shuts down. Pravin views their exchanges mostly as verbal sparring and competitive debate while Katherine interprets their engagements as deeply personal and often hurtful.  

There are endless variations on this, obviously. But what would it look like for all Aspirational marriages to stay healthy? And to grow together over a lifetime? I’ve said in previous posts that for people with Leader traits, one of the primary evidences of grace is one’s willingness to strategically surrender the moment rather than trying to win the struggle.

Think of surrender as Gospel re-enactment: while those who want Jesus killed are convinced they’re right and Jesus is wrong, Jesus knows he’s right but does not engage them on that basis. Instead, he changes the question from who’s right/wrong to who will win/lose. Which leads Jesus to live out the most amazing act of grace—to know he’s right yet choosing to lose. The self-sacrifice of the one for the life of the many.

Like all marriages, Aspirational marriages must first keep their accounts short. Gospel re-enactment means both husband and wife practice slowing down, self-regulating, and taking a self-audit. Since people are more important than projects and problems, Aspirational couples practice shifting the agenda from getting something done to being present with the other. If any relational debts are discovered or revealed, then confessing, repenting, and forgiving are the graces that get exchanged between the two. This pattern is the bread and butter of any healthy relationship.

Now apply Gospel grace to the trait we call ambition—something Aspirational couples naturally possess. If ambition is exercised for its own sake, the Bible calls that selfish ambition. One way to frame selfish ambition is accumulation—of arguments won, of reputation magnified, of greater influence, more material goods, expanded opportunities, even time gained back—for one’s own sake and often at the expense of others. This is a Power couple who’s drifted from the center who, at the end of life, are left without anything to show for it. Think of Ahab and Jezebel as prime examples of a fallen Power couple.

Now think of ambition surrendered as accumulation held with an open hand—the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Surrendered ambition is for the blessing of others, for the advancing of God’s name rather than one’s own. Surrendered ambition still does the things ambition does—building and developing and getting things done, but it does so with the awareness that the source of one’s own energy and vision and the accomplishing of things are all gifts from the Lord (see Deuteronomy 8:11-20). Think of Boaz and Ruth as prime examples of a rising Power couple.  

What final pointers could we give to those in the Aspirational, Power Couple quadrant? I’d say the book of Ecclesiastes is a good resource to internalize. Specifically, “Better to have one handful [of ambition] with quietness [surrender] than two handfuls with hard work [selfish ambition] and chasing the wind” (4:6, NLT).  

Because we have only one life, and it will soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last.