The Quadrant, Roles, and The Compatible Marriage

People are complicated, and I’ve found it helpful to others if I can take their intricacies and distill them into basic shapes, patterns, and forms. In that way, I’ve long held in mind the statement by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., the late Supreme Court justice who said, “For the simplicity that lies this side of complexity, I would not give a fig. But for the simplicity that lies on the other side of complexity, I would give my life.”

For the past six months’ worth of newsletters, I’ve attempted to lay out a simple yet substantive framework for understanding people’s personality. In my February through April newsletters, I described what I refer to as people with Helper traits; in my May through July newsletters, I described what I refer to as people with Leader traits. Doing so is my way of working through the nuance and complexity of who people are and describing them with a degree of simplicity that honors their individuality.

What I want to begin to do now is illustrate what happens in marriage when two people are united, each with their own personality traits. Picture the classic X and Y-axis on a 2D graph. Men sit on the horizontal X-axis, and women sit on the vertical Y-axis. The mid-point where the X and Y intersect is called the Origin (for Christians, the Origin would be absolute Christlikeness in terms of personality). The farther out a person drifts in any direction, the less that person accurately images Christ to others. Meaning that person becomes increasingly difficult to live and work with.

Men who sit to the left of Origin are men with Helper traits, and men who sit to the right of Origin are men with Leader traits. Women who sit above the point of Origin have Helper traits, and women who sit below the point of Origin are women who have Leader traits. On the graph, we now have four quadrants, or what I will refer to as four different kinds of marriages. Each quadrant has both strengths and deficits, so no one quadrant is better than another.

One value in knowing this information is that we can now get fairly predictive in the way each sort of marriage will engage and conflict within itself. Another value in knowing all of this is that it points out where maturing will need to happen for each individual in the union and how a couple can partner in helping each other grow.  

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In this newsletter, and then in the next three that follow, I plan to unpack the basics of one of the four quadrants. But before I do, I should clarify that personality traits are not the same as Biblical roles. Each human has a personality, and all humans are made in God’s image. Whatever are the characteristics of being made in God’s image—theologians debate that—my interest has more to do with the function of being an image-bearer. I think of it this way: humans are imagers of God, and one way we image God to each other—more or less—is via maturing personalities and growing into the roles that God gives to husbands and wives.

I detailed these roles last year in a three-part series called, The Deviation Spiral (September through November 2024. See here, here, and here.). Without repeating all of that, of special relevance to the quadrant is part three (Nov. 2024) where I explain the over/under identification of those roles. I’ll state here that men and women who have Helper traits often under-identify with their roles, and men and women who have Leader traits often over-identify with their roles.

Now on to the first quadrant…

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Gavin and Jessi are in a Compatible Marriage. This marriage sits in the upper left quadrant of the X/Y graph and is comprised of two Helpers. Of the four quadrants, the Compatible Marriage appears the easiest to be in. That’s because both the husband and the wife are gentle souls, people-pleasers, and conflict avoidant. When others see this couple walking down Main Street hand-in-hand on a Friday night, it’s like, “Awww. They’re so sweet.”  

However, Gavin and Jessi can never seem to find a good time to engage in hard and necessary conversations. They delay, punt, avoid, and sweep things under the rug. Since neither one appreciates friction, their main relationship strategy is to ignore whatever it is that needs attention.

The weakness of a Compatible Marriage can go on for a shockingly long time before it comes to a head. I refer to it as, “The Slow Rot.” As in, that beautiful old white oak tree that everyone admires. And then a storm blows through and knocks it down. Friends are stunned. Until they drive by the next day to take a closer look and then discover that the trunk is hollowed out. It’s beautiful on the outside and gutless on the inside.

Gavin and Jessi are now twenty years in and in serious trouble. Jessi has found porn on Gavin’s phone multiple times over the last five years. On the one hand, this gives her some insight into why they’ve always had a difficult time with sexual intimacy. On the other hand, Jessi’s forgiven Gavin quickly and repeatedly but now wonders if that’s the right move. She might be right.

Each time the porn comes to light, it’s always Jessi finding it. Each time Jessi brings it up, Gavin acknowledges it. Because there’s never resolve, whenever Jessi questions Gavin further on another day, more details come out. The piecemeal confessing under duress is doing further damage to her trust. What else does Jessi not know?

Let me here invoke Heraclitus, an ancient Greek philosopher. He used the example of a string—one on a bow, another on a lyre—and noted that only when the string is taut is it any good. No arrow can be shot, and no tune can be played, if there isn’t any tension. Tension is necessary for function, and couples in a Compatible Marriage need to learn to both accept and then manage tension in their relationship.

While a book could be written here, let me at least say that Gavin will grow when he accepts that no maturing and no real intimacy will happen until he accepts his responsibility of taking dominion over these parts of his life and marriage. Gavin will likely need assistance to learn how to secure his identity and acceptance in Christ so that he can endure safely the fiery furnace of hard and honest-to-God conversations with Jessi.

Jessi will benefit and grow when she understands that there are times when public forgiveness should be withheld. Gavin has never repented of his unfaithfulness, so it’s not yet time for public forgiveness. Jessi can forgive him privately before the Lord, but not publicly to Gavin’s face. That’s going to threaten Jessi’s people-pleasing instinct. This is where Jessi can grow as a true Ezer, a battle-mate, by not giving in to her weaker impulses.

Because tension is your ally when you know how to use it.