The Paternal Marriage

James works long and hard in the world of finance. Like others in his field, James started out as an entry-level analyst, but he aspires for more and is determined to rise to the C-suite. The firm values James’s commitment, loyalty, and work ethic. James is now the youngest senior manager in the firm. Most subordinates think well enough of him—until a process is hung or someone can’t keep up. Most have also come to terms with James’s impatience; it’s just those flashes of anger that has some on edge. 

Hannah’s been married to James for ten years. She worked as an interior designer right out of college and for the initial years of their marriage. She was happy in that job, but the professional life was never Hannah’s dream. With James’s agreement, Hannah’s now a stay-at-home mom. Hannah loves her three children—she’s currently pregnant with their fourth—and has fully embraced motherhood and domestic life. Hannah’s friends marvel at how put-together Hannah’s home, children, and life appear to be.  

With this brief sketch, I’m going to lay out what I call a Paternal marriage. There are too many variations and nuances for me to detail in a marriage like this, so I must generalize the principles. The Paternal marriage is comprised of a husband with Leader traits and a wife with Helper traits. This marriage sits in the upper-right quadrant of the X and Y axis that I described last month.

I’m also calling the Paternal marriage the “Role-correct” marriage since the husband operates naturally as the biblical head and the wife functions naturally as the biblical Ezer. The strength of the Paternal marriage is that they do not need to work at aligning with their biblical roles. He naturally leads and gets satisfaction by seeing forward movement, and she naturally supports him. She understands that she and her children are the beneficiaries when he rises in the world.

In my experience, there are two primary ways the Paternal marriage can go bad. In one scenario, the husband talks directly and sometimes aggressively to his subordinates at work. The subordinates with Leader traits appreciate his no-nonsense approach, but subordinates with Helper traits are often stung, feel diminished, and cannot speak freely to him for fear of his reaction as their boss. The Helper subordinates keep their honest thoughts to themselves, which leads him to believe that all those under him think well of him.  

Consequently, he makes no adjustment to his delivery when he gets home. If he’s not mindful that his wife is a people-pleaser, then his direct and sometimes commanding tone cuts her. Because she’s conflict avoidant and already tired from the kids all day, she must make a split-second decision whether to speak up or not. Most of the time, she chooses to keep her thoughts to herself. It doesn’t occur to her that when she does that, she’s lying and now complicit in their marital dysfunction.

At the same time, she’s learned from experience that if she self-advocates it will set him off into an argumentative state in which she’ll have to endure a thirty-minute debate she will never win. Instead, she gets hurt, doesn’t speak up for fear of his power (i.e., his quick and sarcastic comebacks, his strong tone, and/or his physical size), and withdraws. He’s confused and frustrated since no one else in his world acts this way toward him.

A step downward in this pattern is that the Leader husband makes unilateral decisions that affect others. He doesn’t ask his wife, he just tells her that he’s going with the guys to their hobby—the gym, golfing, gambling, the garage. He’s worked hard and has earned it. Besides, what does she have to complain about—he’s made sure they’re financially secure, they have the big house in a safe neighborhood, she drives the vehicle she wants, she and the kids all wear the leading fashion. When he compares his place and family to his peers, he’s ahead of most.

What he’s missing is that while she appreciates all the material goods he’s earned, those things are not her highest value. She’d be willing to live much more simply if she could be attached to him emotionally. But in fact, she feels very alone in their marriage. This is exacerbated by his frequent nudges for sex. Even though she’s not emotionally connected to him, since she’s a pleaser she will give it to him. Rather than real lovemaking, they’ve fallen into duty-sex. And eventually she taps out. Which frustrates him since he can’t understand why she’s not more grateful. Since they are not resolving their hurt and frustrations, they are slowly drifting apart.

Another way the Paternal Marriage can go bad has to do with a positive feedback loop the husband experiences at work. As a man with Leader traits, he’s all-in. He gives his job 100% effort. The Bible says the man is to take dominion of his world, and he is excelling at that vocationally. The company values his commitment and results, and they pay him for it. The company also recognizes he has capacity and is not afraid of doing more, so they give him more. And with that come promotions and increased pay. This fires his motivations as someone who prizes influence and accomplishment. If the firm doesn’t do enough for him, he’ll create a side-hustle.

Over time, however, his margins get increasingly squeezed. He will likely make it to his kids’ ballgames and school events, but he no longer has time for deeper Scripture study and personal application. His mind is filled with all the responsibilities he carries along with all the great plans he has for the future. The busier he gets, the more he doubles-down on his natural abilities and inclination toward self-sufficiency.

The wife notices and feels her husband’s spiritual drift before he does. She’s conflicted, though, since he prays over meals and their church put him on a board. She has some consolations that he keeps the rituals and hasn’t apostatized. Yet there’s no real fellowship—either with Jesus or his wife. Her insecurities grow as they grow farther apart, so she throws herself fully into mothering her children.

She longs to be emotionally attached, but he’s too impatient to hear her complaints and his success at work reinforces in his mind that he’s likely more correct than his wife. He’s frustrated that he’s working his tail off and has provided generously for her and the kids. And yet she has complaints?

What are we to say to such a couple? The simple yet profound reply goes to the core of Jesus’ gospel. We could use 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 as an example and template. For the husband in the Paternal marriage, he would do well to become increasingly self-suspicious that his worldly success and self-sufficiency have grown in him a hidden conceit that God is opposed to. Rather than being annoyed and frustrated by his wife’s deficiencies and needs, the husband should ask himself what God might be exposing in the husband through his wife’s other-giftedness. I understand that Paul’s thorn in the flesh was likely physical and not relational, but the principle is the same: the problem is not success or capacity, but pride in what looks like the fruit of being powerful.

For the wife in the Paternal marriage, she should not let her impulse to people-please be the controlling force in her life and relationships. It is not her job or role to make or keep her husband happy. She is not a true Helper if she is little more than a yes-person. She can grow, in her weakness and present suffering, to know the contentment that comes from the sustaining power of Christ in her. It is God’s sufficient grace that will strengthen her with wisdom and courage to know when and how to speak and behave toward her husband. Perhaps the Spirit of Christ will use the wife’s steady witness to become the iron that sharpens the iron that is her husband.

Because God’s strength is provided in our varied weaknesses to sanctify our marriage.