The Taking that Goes with the Giving

My wife and I were having a moment a few weeks ago. The problem arose because she dared to mess with my calendar. We’d been invited to an event and I told her in an initial conversation that the timing wasn’t good for me. But, I said, I had no problem if she wanted to go without me. It appeared to me as though she agreed.

 

A week later, Tamarah and I were sitting on the couch winding down. The hour was late when discussion of the event came back up. I restated my thought that going to the event was a huge stressor to my calendar and capacity, and that I wanted a pass. Tamarah didn’t say anything but her disappointment was obvious. I felt like I was being manipulated, and that ticked me off.

 

I sat there for a few more minutes, wordless, giving off bad vibes. I finally got up and went to bed, with Tamarah following me a few minutes later. Contrary to our habit, there were no more words, no hugging, no kissing, and thus no chance for resolution. I fell asleep pretty quickly while Tamarah lay awake for another hour or so, hurt and angry at my response and treatment of her. (Just so you know, she reads and signs off on any stories I tell about us.)

 

We got up early the next morning and stuck to our routine: check the outdoor temp, dress accordingly, leash the dog, and out the door for a vigorous walk. At least the dog appeared happy. We crossed the one-mile mark before I could start to spit it out. I had treated her badly, I acknowledged, and she didn’t deserve that. I tried saying my anger was about the situation and not her—but that got me nowhere. She shared her own thoughts about the situation, and clarified that it was not obvious to her at all that we had settled on a plan.

 

After each of us did our best to explain ourselves and understand each other, there was still the obvious dagger in my wife’s chest that I had put there the night before. I finally got around to asking the big question, “Will you please forgive me?” To which she responded, “I can’t right now.”

 

Forgiveness is an extensive subject and central to the Christian faith. For my purposes here, I want to spotlight just one aspect of forgiveness—that when we forgive someone, we not only give something to our offender but we also take something from him. Both aspects, the giving and the taking, are challenging to effect because they’re unnatural to our native self. As I’ve recently been working that out in my own life, here are some thoughts I have:

 

~ After the incident with Tamarah that I just described, I had a business incident transpire over the course of a week that, through no fault of my own, shorted Grace Harbor a chunk of change. As the week progressed, my frustration grew. By the end of the week, the injustice of it fried me. It culminated on a Friday where I pretty much stayed chapped all day. And then I clearly remember at 6pm, as I was finishing up some reading, I came across this:

 

“The whole infinitude of Christianity over socialism consists precisely in the fact that a Christian (in the ideal), in giving away everything demands nothing for himself in return…he’s even hostile to the idea of recompense, he regards it as nonsensical…” (Fyodor Dostoevsky). The effect upon my heart was instantaneous: all the debt, all the angst, and everything about the situation, was gone.

 

~ What was that? I believe it was the grace of forgiveness. Not my grace, but grace given to me from the God of all grace. In that instant, God’s grace extended from me to the offender. Let’s call that a “giving.” We could say that in that moment, I gave the offender the grace to move on freely and not hold the debt against him. But also in that instant, God’s grace covered the debt which allowed me to take it. So I’m calling that the “taking” part of forgiveness. In real terms, I would say I could feel the debt dissolve right there in my heart.

 

~ The greater the debt, the more grace the offended party will need to give and take. I so appreciate Dostoevsky’s qualifier, “in the ideal” because I’m so often falling short of being able to forgive as soon as it’s needed. But one evidence that a person’s heart is truly alive in Christ is that forgiveness does eventually come. And yes, when I got home from work back there a few weeks ago, Tamarah called me aside and sweetly said, “I forgive you.” To which hugging, kissing, and resolution commenced.

 

~ It’s troubling, then, when someone who otherwise calls himself a Christian says something like, “I will never forgive that!” Never? Equally troubling is a self-identified Christian who doesn’t mind being asked the forgiveness question but at the same time has hardly, if ever, known to be the one asking for forgiveness.

 

~ In such cases I think of Lot’s wife who, upon looking back upon her life going up in smoke, is turned into a pillar of salt. Since salt is a preservative, looking back and holding on to a past offense and not forgiving it means time stops right there. You’ll keep rehearsing the wrong and get salty about it. With some grace from Christ, shared via forgiveness, life could be so much the sweeter.

 

I pray it’s true for you and yours.

 

Because for the Christ of Christmas, it’s always the season for sharing the grace of forgiveness.

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