Now is the
time of year when a subtle alteration in the topic of conversation occurs in my
office. Family relationships are a year-round subject matter in my counseling,
but the holiday season and the expectations people bring to that time amplify
the challenges of spending time with and getting close to relatives.
To create a
framework for thinking about how to relate to family from a Christian
perspective, I’d like to begin with how the Bible talks about the Church. After
all, the Church is mostly a collection of families, and we refer to fellow
Christians in familial terms—brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers. True,
how you relate within a domestic family is not identical with how you relate to
each other in a church family. Yet there are enough similarities between the
two that we should take note.
For example, there’s
clear teaching in Scripture that tells us we should endeavor to maintain unity within
God’s family. Jesus prays for his disciples, “Holy Father, keep them in Your
name, the name which You have given me, that they may be one, even as we are” (John
17:11, 20-23). Years later, Paul provides color to Jesus’ prayer when he writes,
“Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord,
settle your disagreement. And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women”
(Philippians 4:2-3).
As a Christ-follower,
then, one of our aims in family is unity. We look at the unity within the
Godhead and then, with His grace, work to incarnate such unity within the
family. But as we all know from experience, and as Scripture is honest about,
maintaining unity, whether in the domestic or church family, can be challenging
and sometimes not possible.
Even though
Paul taught unity and urged others to work at it in the family of Christ, he
and Barnabas were not able work together for a season due to differences of
opinion regarding John Mark’s fitness for missionary ministry. More poignantly,
at the very moment Jesus was praying for unity, one of his very own disciples
was scheming to betray him.
That said,
let me provide a word picture, or mental filter, through which to process the
way in which we relate to others. Think about circles. More specifically, envision
concentric circles. There’s a small inner circle, then maybe four or five more
circles expanding out from the inner circle. The inner circle consists of
relationships in which you know each other deeply and in which there is strong
trust. These are the people you look forward to spending time with. In fact,
the joy there is strong enough that, like Jesus and His Church, we want to invite
others in to share in that joy.
But then you
have other family members who do things that irritate or annoy you. Let’s say
there’s an uncle who openly and unapologetically burps at the table, or the in-law
who’s always playing with her hair and then dropping the loose ones on the
floor. Would you say something? Could you resist being judgmental and work to
cover the issue in love? Would you place them in a circle a little farther out
while working to maintain unity?
Let’s say you
have a family member who’s hurt you through some sarcastic comment, or their
child has punched your child. But then they or the parents recognize the
problem and do the work of repair. They confess, they repent, and you forgive
them. But then next visit it happens again. They repair and you forgive them
again, but now you don’t trust them. Are they still in a circle of yours? If
so, how far out?
Now let’s say
there’s a family member who doesn’t just commit the occasional hurt, they’re
actually creating real harm. Maybe the relative gets drunk and then says or
does things to others that crosses a moral or physical line. Which then raises
the question: Are there only ever-expanding circles, or are there ever lines?
Does love always cover everything? Or does love ever say enough is enough and puts
an end to the evil by drawing a line?
Scripture provides
guidance and real help on this. In a letter on how to shepherd God’s family,
Paul says to Titus, “Do not get involved in foolish discussions about spiritual
pedigrees or in quarrels and fights about obedience to Jewish laws. These
things are useless and a waste of time. If people are causing divisions among
you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with
them” (Titus 3:9-10). Does that sound like a circle or a line?
Paul’s
counsel to Titus is an echo of Jesus’ teaching on family relations when Jesus
says, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the
offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person
back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back
again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.
If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he
or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a
corrupt tax collector” (Matthew 18: 15-17). Again, does that sound like a
circle or a line?
One more
example, this time from the Old Testament wisdom literature: “There are six
things the Lord hates—no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do
wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a
family” (Proverbs 6:16-19).
One of the
things about Proverbs that’s helpful here is how often it draws lines. A way it
does this is by giving us categories of sorting out who people are—some tend
toward being wise and others toward being foolish. Within the category of foolishness,
Proverbs gives us three subsets with each one more challenging and difficult to
be around.
There is the Naïve/Simpleton
(14:15). These people cause the least amount of grief and trouble among the
fools, which isn’t saying much, as they waste their life chasing fantasies and
stumble into trouble (7:6-23). Then there’s the middle category which is
the common Fool (15:2). This person wastes your time (14:7), is a repeat
offender (26:11), and loves to argue and debate (18:2, 6). The Fool brings all
kinds of sorrow to family members (10:1; 17:21, 25). Last but definitely not
least in impact is the Scoffer. This kind of fool does not try to hide his evil
(21:24), everyone detests this person (24:9) and Proverbs doesn’t hesitate to
draw a hard line with this person (22:10). Amazing how quickly things calm down
and peace ensues in a home when the Scoffer is no longer present.
Let’s
acknowledge here that drawing circles and lines among family members, both
domestic and church, is less like art class and more like astrophysics. We’re
trying, using the Bible’s guidance and wisdom as our instrument, to determine
the nature of people, to discern what and how and when Truth applies, and come
up with applications to our observations and experiences all while everything
is spinning. The Bible admits this can get complicated and cause deep and
lasting grief even though it’s our heart’s desire for there to be unity.
Further,
where one person might draw a circle, another person in the same situation may
draw a line. That can happen in a marriage let alone among gathered relatives. There
are a host of legitimate reasons to account for the difference. One essential
reason is a person’s conscience. And Scripture leaves room for that difference
without judging either party (see Romans 14). Then, beyond differences in
conscience, there are simply too many other variables in a person’s life—such
as family of origin, personality, maturity in their faith, life experiences—to
say where and when one should draw a circle or a line.
Much more
could be said here, but I at least want to put this on the public record. Some
of my motivation here is to be a source of help to any who read this. And some
of my motivation is due to the surprise I have at reading some Christian
counselors’ material who believe the concept of boundaries is not Biblical. And
to that I must draw a line.
Because while Jesus invites all to come as you are into
His circle, He also draws lines and says you can’t stay as you are in His
circle.
